Since a bit after sometime in the Spring or early Summer, I have been getting the nagging feeling that has been growing about an uncertainty of where I fit into the leather community.
Let me start by saying that in no way I feel unwelcome in the community. Quite the opposite. For someone who has been in the community for less than three years, I have been part of so much and met so many wonderful people. It has been part of 3 of my title run speeches...and some variant of it will continue to be part of it. It is that I just don't know where I fit in.
I think what has been happening is that I have been getting more and more involved with various parts of the community. The place that I felt I probably should be... wound up not being that place after all. I have been learning more and more about so many aspects of the community. So, what started as a certainty about where I should be is now in question.
So, where do I belong? How do I continue to grow? How do I continue to learn? The worst thing I fear of myself is to be stagnant and not growing anymore. But in growing, I find that I could be wrong about what I had perceived. After all, when I first discovered the leather community, I felt like I couldn't belong at all. I had some preconceived notions about the community and I felt I didn't fit into them. Then, a cute cub of a guy wearing a Mr Michigan sash at MAL took some time to talk to me about it. He helped me take the first real step in growing my awareness. Then I see, that yes, I can belong. But where?
I think one of my biggest problems is that I don't know exactly what I am seeking. I want to explore more, but it is slightly difficult with a partner who does not share the same interest in the leather community. He greatly supports me in my endeavours, we go to events, we are out at the bar, he lets me be part of a leather club...he wants me to grow to support me. Then we get into the issue of I just don't know where I want to be. Am I a Sir? I can say no to that. I know my personality and that is not for me. Am I a boy? That is difficult too. I feel that a boy is subservient to another. But being an NCO for several years in the military, I have also grown to enjoy some freedom of giving orders, while also taking them. I find it hard to give up so much of myself. Do I love the feel and look of leather? Hell yes! Do I like the sex with other leathermen? Again, Hell yes! And then there are so many fetishes that I am intrigued by, but don't know how to experience them...much less learn how to be in control of a scene.
I think another aspect of my unsure feeling about where I should be is maybe I have grown. Maybe it isn't only the fact that I have learned that there is so much out there...but maybe I have moved slightly to a new space of where I feel I should be...but again, don't know where that is.
I am frustrated that I don't know how to express what I am thinking at times, especially when I see others having such an easy time knowing where they want to be and what they want. But I do take heart that I have such an opportunity that many people don't have or are too scared to take. I am in no rush... I will find my place. I have great friends I can trust and count on when I need help with an answer... I just have to figure out how to ask the question.